Comrades, bandmates, blaseball fans, listen up. You’ve heard about Jaylen Hotdogfingers, the godslayer? Or maybe Mike Townsend, a credit to the team? Well, I’ve got a story for you, about the greatest blaseball player that ever lived: Ollie Mueller

I do the sickest flips, I wear the coolest kicks
I’ve got ‘em all transfixed with my latest mix
I’m the hottest guy, I’ve got them killer vibes
No matter who you are, I’m exactly your type
I rock the freshest looks, I write the smartest books
My takes are so wise they will have you shook
I can cry on cue and I know kung-fu
I make the microbrew that’s just right for you

Best player in the league, I cannot be beat
Gave away my flame-proof jacket, I can take the heat
I have three PhDs, an EGOT and a law degree
For all my charity, I got the Nobel Prize in peace
The gods will not come near me ‘cause of how deeply they fear me
But every fan cheers for me and the whole league just adores me
I’m suave and charismatic, my aesthetic is fantastic,
Protagonist of blaseball, you can see it’s quite thematic
I’m the most glamorous, iconic, and magnanimous
The court already loves me, there’s no need to write an amicus
I can topple empires and I scare the bourgeoisie,
Players, fans, and umpires all have their eyes on me
Players, fans, and umpires all have their eyes on me

Eleven seasons with the team
The Garages’ hero steps into the ring
You all wish you could be me
I swing at the pitch and hear the fandom sing

I can lift a semi truck without breaking a sweat
Umpires keep their distance, there’s no need to make a threat
I can sing three notes at once, I have perfect pitch
I know all Forbidden Knowledge, but I’ll never snitch
I’ve saved the plane from asteroids like maybe twice or thrice
Everywhere I go becomes a little slice of paradise
I ate one million peanuts, I fought two million crows
I hit three million grand slams, I nailed four million throws
I caught five million pop flies, I grew six million thumbs
I ran seven million bases, yet scored eight million runs
I spent nine million coins on new helmets, pads, and skates
And I won ten million hearts when I stepped up to the plate
Yeah, I win ten million hearts when I step up to the plate

Eleven seasons with the team
The Garages’ hero steps into the ring
You all wish you could be me
I’m too laid back to be your new blaseball king

They always ask me to do an ollie
But never “How is Ollie doing?”
Do I get lonely here sometimes?
Is there something missing?

Oh, who am I kidding!
You all know that’s not true
And I am here to show you
All the things I will do

You all wish you could be me
Best get ready for the new era I’ll bring

Eleven seasons with the team
The Garages’ hero steps into the ring
You all still wish you could be me
Best get ready for the new era I’ll bring