You want it I’ve got it
Arturo in the pocket
Batter’s worst nightmare

Arturo, Arturo, Arturo,
Chant my name though I might not be there

Can’t see me, Can’t hear me, just a vague feeling
Coming from the pitching square

It’s Arturo, Arturo, Huertas
Arturo, Arturo, Huertas

We don’t have to play these games
You won’t know who threw the ball til the ball is through the strike frame

Swing batter, swing batter, swing I dare you
You will never hit this fastball

It looks easy
Pitching a strike
And then pitching a strike
And then pitching again

But you believe me
I worked hard
Shaping these marshmallow
Muscles into a real
Killing machine
Have you seen die hard?
I’m like the blaseball John McClane
Til I’m dead, throwing curveballs cross the Astral Plane
Yippie Kie Yay

I seem scary
But I’ve got a soft side
A Marshmallow heart
Made of sugary gold
For my teammates I’m

Willing to
Throw both these gelatin
Hands, mess with them, you will
Get knocked out cold
Don’t you forget

The name’s Henry Marshmallow
The most beautiful man with a saccharine soul
Don’t you ever forget
The name’s Henry Marshmallow
A true champion, with a hardened sugar mold

It’s Henry Marshmallow, the world’s greatest pitcher in all of blaseball!
It’s Henry Marshmallow, the world’s greatest pitcher in all of blaseball!

La la la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la la la la.
La la la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la la la la.
La la la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la la la la.
La la la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la la la la.

These hands could
Deliver baseballs
To thousands of catchers
And never meet a bat
That’s a new poem
I just wrote
It’s about pitching
I’m so good at pitching
I’m the MVM…
MOST VALUABLE

MARSHMALLOW MAN IN THE LEAGUE!
Plus some humans think I’m a deity
Who am I to argue?
I think that I’m pretty rare.
I’m a sentient marshmallow with perfect hair
Here’s my song again

It’s Henry Marshmallow, the world’s greatest pitcher in all of blaseball!
It’s Henry Marshmallow, the world’s greatest pitcher in all of blaseball!

La la la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la la la la.
La la la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la la la la.
La la la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la la la la.
La la la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la la la la.

One two three four!

Thank you, thank you! Thanks to my backing band the mini marshmallows! They’re unionized now, I hate it! You might not know me, but my name is Henry Marshmallow, pitcher for the Seattle Garages, established baritone, aspiring tenor, but most of all, an INCREDIBLE athlete. And I always have been, though I have to tell you I used to be made fun of all the time for my marshmallow condition- I’m a marshmallow, in case you didn’t know. Actually in the minor leagues, I’d get heckled from the stands, like “HEY MARSHMALLOW MAN! WERE GONNA ROAST YOU! WERE GONNA MAKE YOU INTO A SMORE!” And eventually I had it up to here and yelled back “YOU KNOW WHAT, DUDE I DARE YOU. IF YOU TRIED TO MAKE ME A SMORE AND EAT ME, YOUR BODY WOULD NEED TO BE, LIKE, 20% INSULIN! SO YOU CAN TRY AND MAKE ME A SMORE BUT IM GONNA LIKE WRECK YOUR PANCREAS IF YOU DO!” So then they’d be pretty quiet- just a sec, my publicist wants to talk... Okay, good news, I have decided to apologize, and I’m going to make a large donation to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. Shout out to everyone with Type one diabetes- Nick Jonas, Ethan Geller, Justice Sonia Sotomayor, all champions in my opinion.

Ok I have one more thing to say actually- if it was me at the end of Ghostbusters instead of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man I would’ve won. Bill Murray would be like “ah man we were gonna ghostbust you but you’re like really chill! Do you want to make more movies with me?” Then I would’ve been a movie star, maybe even become president- then Reagan would’ve only had one term, Iran Contra wouldn’t have happened, I would defund the CIA, the entire geopolitical landscape would be- OK, my publicist is now telling me I REALLY need to stop talking, thank you all, I’m Henry Marshmallow, good night, and GO GARAGES! PARK IT! Yeah, how was that?